I'd like to thank reader Thomas Taggart for reminding me about this most excellent New York Times piece several days ago by Bruce Buschel entitled 100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1). It's a compendium of all of servers' most egregious sins, many of which could be boiled down simply to "the customer is always right, even when he or she is an @#%%#."
I agree with many items on the list, but it got me thinking back to my own table-waiting days and how often, in fact, customers could be @#%%#. Here are some of the things customers should never do.
1) Fine, I'll never interrupt your conversation, but when plates are coming in for a landing, please stop waving your arms around so that demi-glace stays off your shoes and mine.
2) Don't have a big, steaming gob about who is paying the check, leaving me to stand there like a dolt. Let's say the fleetest of foot gets the check, not the meanest or loudest.
3) Don't get all embarrassed about the crumbs on the table. I'm cleaning them up right now, no big whoop. Relax. And if you spill a little, same thing. We're washing the tablecloth anyway.
4) Send a wine back if it's corked or oxidized or funky. But if it's just not what you expected, tough.
5) A scenario: You can't decide between the rabbit and the duck. You order the duck. When the plates arrive, you misremember and say, "I ordered the rabbit." REMEMBER WHAT YOU ORDERED. And friend of the forgetful, if you heard what they actually ordered, help a sister out.
6) Salad dressing. Some people like a lot, some people like a little. It's OK to express your feelings on the subject when ordering a salad, but don't get all uppity. Strangely, it's a subject people have strong feelings about, all of which are more or less valid.
7) If you want another glass of wine (or the chocolate cake), don't say "Oh, I shouldn't...." and drift off, leaving the server to play the role of little-red-devil-on-the-one-shoulder or angel-on-the-other. Wear your big-girl pants and make the decision yourself.
8) Get off the phone, especially if you're one of those super-loud phone talkers. (And a pile of cell phones in the middle of the table is gauche. Really.)
9) If you need the meal to be paced quickly, tell. If you want to drink a full cocktail before you even consider ordering, tell. Servers read cues, but it helps if you just express your needs using your nice voice.
10) I love girls' nights out. Everyone's having a good time, there's usually juicy eavesdropping for the server. But ladies, the designated bill-tabulator at meal's end needs to be firm and to have keen arithmetic skills. Too many people in this situation round down to figure their own contribution.
I could keep going. Maybe I will keep going. But I'd like to hear from some servers, or former servers, out there.
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