Homeward Bound

Goodbye China.

I'm coming home.

It's been a fascinating three weeks here. Not necessarily fun all of the time, but fascinating. Put it this way, if the United States is Disney World, then China is more like Epcot. It's like a giant political-social-cultural science fair.

I saw a wall. I saw a city that was once forbidden. I saw menus with spicy bullfrogs on them. I saw lettering that looks like Rorschach tests (by the end of the week, I could see my kid's faces in the characters). I saw security guards march in formation that by the end of the week, I couldn't help but break into Do-Wah-Diddy. The Chinese didn't laugh, probably because they had not seen Stripes.

And, yeah, I saw the Olympics. They weren't the greatest set of Games (I liked Lillehammer and Sydney better), but in Michael Phelps, they had the greatest performance.

Writers are odd ducks. The last week at an Olympics, we start talking about the foods we miss from back home. Wings, someone said. A Caesar salad, someone said. A steak, someone else said. Bacon, said I.

Filip Bondy, from the New Daily News, won the competition. "I miss Chinese food,'' he said. "The American version.''

And so I am a few hours from the longest day. Thanks to the date line, my Monday will last 36 hours. I'll travel for about 32 of them. If the pilot takes a wrong turn, i might end up in 1971.

The flight leaves at 9:30. If they're out of seats, they can strap me to the wing.

-- Gary Shelton

I'll Stop the World and Melt With You

                                                                     
In Beijing, a nation celebrates.
China, mighty China, has won the gold-medal count. China, vast China, has been the hit of its own party.
Yes, it is still a police state, and yes, it arrested two 70-year-old women last week for daring to apply to protest the destruction of their homes. On the other hand, have you seen a gold medal up close?
China won 51 gold medals in these Games, marking the first time the United States has not won more golds than anyone since 1992. The United States still won more total medals, but only 36 of them were gold.
Still, there are different celebrations for different countires at the Olympics.
For instance:
If you are South African, how can you not be proud of Natalie du Toit, who reached the Olympics despite losing her left leg in a motorbike crash six years ago.
If you are Russian, how can you not wonder why a nation cannot produce a point guard? Here in Beijing, both the men’s and women’s point guards were imported from America.
If you are Jamaican, how can you not suggest that Usain Bolt’s name be placed on money? Immediately. How about this? Bob Marley can be on the five, but Bolt is on the 10.
And if you are from America, you can look forward to a LOT of Michael Phelps commercials. Coming soon: Phelps swims with the nerds from the Alltel cell phone commercials.
If you are from China, you must be outraged by the suggestions that your gymnasts are too young. And as soon as they finish filming this commercial for Chinese Pampers, they will address the concerns.
If you are from the Netherlands Antilles, you aren't so crazy about the Americans. When officials reviewed an American protest of the 200-meter final, they not only ruled that U.S. runner Wallace Spearmon had stepped on a lane line, but that the Netherlands Antilles' Churandy Martina did, too. Martina thusly lost the silver medal.
If you are from Cuba, perhaps you should decide to fight with your fists. After all, did you watch Angel Matos as he kicked a Swedish referee in the head? Even in taekwondo, this is not the definition of "a formal protest.''
And if you are from America, you cringe to think that Wilford Brimley might be the fastest sprinter your nation has to offer.
If you are from Panama, you are probably looking forward to the new sports complex to be built to honor the nation's first gold medalist, Irving Saladino. All hail the Irving Dome.
If you are from Togo,  you cannot contain your glee that Benjamin Boukpeti has won your nation's first gold medal. If you ever meet Boukpeti, who has been to Togo exactly once, as a baby, you promise to tell him.
If you are Brazil, you tell Georgia that you would like very much if it would return your volleyball players. And thank you very much.
And if you are from America, where we tend to gloat, you want to call former U.S. soccer coach Greg Ryan and say this on behalf of goaltender Hope Solo, the player he benched. "Nyah, nyah, nyah.''
If you are from Thailand, you want to thank boxer Manus Boonjumnong for his silver medal and all. Then you want to remind him that he said he would "fight until death'' to "bring another medal home for my king.'' And you want to say, "Lighten up, Manus.''
If you are from the '80s, and also the Soviet Union, you want to say this: "China? Ha. America? Ha. The former nations of the USSR won 43 golds, 46 silvers and 86 bronzes -- a total of 175 medals.''
If you are from Armenia, you try to work the color bronze into the flag. Six medals, and all of them were that color.
Ah, but if you are American, you want to thank 41-year-old Dara Torres for the memories. And you tell you will see her compete in the next Olympics. Perhaps the one after that, too.

-- Gary Shelton

And No One Can Talk to a Horse, Of Course

I don’t know about you, but I’m worried about the horses.

Given the size of the scandal, I cannot figure out why more people are not talking about it. Evidently, the horses of the Olympics have a drug problem.

Alas, four horses from four different countries were banished from competition at these Olympics for testing positive for drugs. I don’t know about you, but I find the image of four horses partying as if they were members of the Rolling Stones a trifle disturbing.

For the record, the wrong-doers were Irish horse Latina, Germany’s Coster, Brazil’s Chupa Chup and Norway's Camiro.

None of the horses had any comment.

In all seriousness, the four horses tested positive for a drug called Capsaicin, a drug that can be used as a pain reliever or to make a horse hypersensitive, and both conditions have been judged to be performance enhancing. Frankly, that’s the closest thing these Games have had to a real drug scandal, which in the world of performance enhancers, is a scandal unto itself.

Throughout these games, there have been only five positives among the humans, down from 26 in Athens. Before the Games, IOC president Jaques Rogge said he expected ‘’30 to 40’’ positives. Which is either a reason to cheer or a reason to be more cynical.

As everyone knows, the problem with drug-testing is that the cheats always have been so far ahead of the testers. So do the low number of positives really mean these Olympics are clean or that the cheaters are just ahead of the posse?

Meanwhile, that music you hear in the distance comes from the group Band of Horses.

-- Gary Shelton

Boltin' to the End Zone?

Got an interesting e-mail from Tampa Bay this morning. It was from Bruce Allen, the general manager of the Bucs. "Do me a favor,'' it said in the subject line.

Opened, it said this: "Ask Usain Bolt what jersey number he would like to wear in the Saints game. Remind him we leave on Sept. 6.''

Also, Allen said, he will offer to pay any fines for Bolts' end-zone celebrations.

-- Gary Shelton

The Great Mall of China

   There are hands clinging to my arms. Everyone wants to spend time with me. Everyone wants to be my friend. Everyone has a special deal for me, only me.

Perhaps I have woken up as Michael Phelps.

Either that, or I have finally made it to the Silk Market.

The lanes are narrow between the tiny display stands, and the barkers are out in full force. If you make eye contact, they will hunt you down.

This, evidently, is where the tourists do their shopping. There

are silk shirts on one stand, jeans on another, dresses on a third. There are the brands of American designers – Polo, Tommy Bahama, Levis.

The Silk Market is six stories high, and the stores are as small as display stands at the flea market. Every one of them seems be equipped with two shopkeepers.

Prepared to haggle?

Then come on in.

At the Silk Market, no price is set. That can lead to incredible bargains and incredible headaches  Spend a couple of hours here, and you feel like you have been in a tumble dryer overnight. Still, it's a good place to visit when you've got a few hours before women's soccer begins.

A few feet away, Tom Archdeacon of the Dayton Daily News is buying a scarf for his wife. So I am standing, minding my own business, when a woman decides she is going to sell me a pair of Polo trousers.

“How much will you pay?’’ she said.

”No, thank you,’’ you say.

“Good quality!’’ she said.

“I don’t need them,’’ you say.

“Six-hundred fifty yuan,’’ she said.

And it goes on like that. Not once do I mention a price, and she keeps working her calculator, bidding against herself. When I try to leave, she grabs my arm. When I shake my head, she strikes me on the arm.

My now, I am laughing so hard I cannot stop. She is down to 100 yuan, about $15, and I cannot get away. Finally, I pull away.

Later, I decide to buy three t-shirts. The woman types out her price 1160 yuan (almost $50 a t-shirt). I laugh and say no. She asks how much I will pay. I type “150’’ into the calculator (about $20 for all three), and her stand turns into high drama. Make a real offer, she said. That’s it, I say.

She scowls and rolls her eyes. I start to walk away.

“Okay, she finally says. “You are tough.’’

“No,’ I said, “You are tough.’’

“We are the same,’’ she said.

The thing is, I hate to haggle. Most of us do. We either feel we’re being fleeced or we’re fleecing someone else. And frankly, it’s exhausting.

Here’s a hint. Be prepared to walk away.

And try not to regret not buying those Polo trousers later on.

-- Gary Shelton

Just Asking...

As the Olympics go into their final weekend, there are still some questions about the Games, and about China, that remain unanswered.

For instance.

1. Wouldn't the U.S. medal count be swell if we would just, say, offer statehood to Jamaica? Provided, of course, we could catch their politicians to make the offer.

2.  Why didn't the U.S. Olympic baseball team, which needs hitting, offer a spot to Barry Bonds? And wouldn't THAT have made things interesting over here?

3. When Chinese children play in the pool, do they play "Marco Polo?''

4. Why didn't Confucius make it on any of the money?

5. Because of the Tampa Bay Lightning, can we count Usain Bolt as a local?

6. Shouldn't it tip off the IOC that the Chinese gymnasts were too young when they had a "team baby-sitter?''

7. Rhythmic gymnastics in? Softball out? Please explain.

8. Why haven't they tried the LZR racer, the full-bodied swimsuit, in beach volleyball?

9. Isn't it time we added 'home run derby'' to the decathlon?

10. Considering that those Chinese critter carts look like something the contestants eat on Fear Factor, don't you wonder what the contestants eat on the Chinese version of Fear Factor? Peanut Butter?

11. Don't you think the Lopez family was having a great Olympics until Jennifer opened her mouth?

12. Has Marion Jones been watching?

-- Gary Shelton

Mystery Girl

Okay, I've tried.

But after more than two weeks in this country, I still have no idea what these silly mascots are.

Now, you might think that the simple task of finding an Olympic mascot would be easy China. A panda, maybe. Or a dragon. Or a guy in a Genghis Kahn suit. Or Jackie Chan.

But these inflatable blow-up whatevers? What was the runner-up idea? Bringing back Izzy from the Atlanta Oympics?

Anyway, they seem rather friendly as mascots go. But here at open-water swimming, I find myself wondering if they float.

-- Gary Shelton

Cherry Fourth

In one of the closest races you could imagine, former USF and Leto High runner Damu Cherry finished fourth in the 100-meter hurdles Tuesday night.

American Dawn Harper won the race with a 12.54, but after that, most of the field was crowded in a pack. Sally McLellan finished second and Priscilla Lopes-Schleip finished third, although both ran a 12.64. After that were Cherry, Delloreen Ennis-London and Bridgitte Foster-Hylton, all at 12.65.

"It was shocking,'' Cherry said. "But that's what you get in the hurdles -- shocking results.''

-- Gary Shelton

(Pictured - Dawn Harper, left and Damu Cherry. AP photo. Click to enlarge.)

Colwill 12th

Brandon diver Chris Colwill swung for the fences Tuesday night. He missed.

Despite an ambitious program, Colwill finished last out of 12 divers in the finals of the three-meter springboard. Colwill had the toughest degree of difficulty in the field, including a final dive with a ranking of 3.9.

Colwill didn't hit the dive, however, scoring 5s and 6s from the judges.

Earlier in the day, Colwill had nailed his final dive to finish sixth in the semifinals.

-- Gary Shelton

(Pictured - Chris Colwill. AP photo. Click to enlarge.)

History lesson

I had the best of intentions. I just couldn't make the event.

On the short list of things I wanted to cover when I came to Beijing was the men's team table tennis competition. I know, I know. The only ping pong balls most of us are interested in are spat out in the weekly Lotto drawing, and, according to a number I just now made up, 87 percent of all ping pong tables in the United States are folded up in the garage. The rest have laundry stacked on them.

Here, however, it might as well be college football. The Chinese love table tennis to a degree that defies all logic. It just goes to show you: Every sport is big somewhere.

The reason I wanted to see the competition was party because of the insanity of the crowd and partly because, well, I thought I owed it to China. If not for ping pong, it is doubtful the Games would be here at all.

Of course, you have heard of Ping Pong Diplomacy. The story begins in 1971, when Chinese athletes had been ordered by Chairman Mao not to speak or pose with American players.

But an American player named Glenn Cowan, running late, hopped aboard a shuttle bus that was occupied by the Chinese table tennis team. Cowan, naturally, was ignored. But a Chinese player named Zhuang Zedong, after a few moments, approached Cowan and gave him a woven tapestry. Cowan later gave Zhuang a t-shirt.

From that exchange -- and the resulting criticism of Zhuang -- came an invitation for the U.S. team to visit China, and relations began to thaw. If not for the simple act of one athelte reaching out to another, who knows how long that might have taken?

Now tell me: Can you think of another sport that helped shape global politics?

-- Gary Shelton